She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
