Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
