Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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