Tell her she can't have a vagina
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
