im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
whose ass print is on the piano?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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