Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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