I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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