my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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