3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
