I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
