Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
