So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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