in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
