So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
