I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
