We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
