He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
