Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
why do cheetos always look like penises
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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