it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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