my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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