This is not my ceiling
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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