I met the friendliest cop last night
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
