I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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