White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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