12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
