I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
