Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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