you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i think my cat just said my name.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
