My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
