chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
