Jerry, you need to find god
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.