woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
