Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
