If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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