I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There's a naked man in my car right now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
