you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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