Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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