alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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