My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
