I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I could fuck to npr.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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