this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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