so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
