me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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