I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
