you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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