My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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