i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
