I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
