im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We got so high we made milksteak
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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