she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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