mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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