wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
