3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
