omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Welp...herpes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
