I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
