He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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