So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
