: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
