i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
