Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
